SKINNYBOY AND THE GIANT BURRITO

Check out Skinnyboy's latest conquest out in the Mile High City. It's a seven pound burrito, although in his pictures it looks more like 20 pounds. Females who eat it get free food at Jack-n-Grill FOR LIFE. Men get nothing, other than another reason why our life expectancies are a few years shorter than women.

HOLD THE PIZZA

Our pizza eating contest was postponed. One of our "key eaters" had to reschedule. Something about a last minute "thing" in Philly. I think it was a wedding or a funeral or something lame like that. We'll try to reschedule for sometime in February.

7 DAYS UNTIL WING BOWL

It's almost here. I spoke with Big Brian Subich a few days ago (he qualified last week by scarfing down three foot-long "fat bitch" sandwiches -- cheesesteaks topped with chicken fingers, cheese sticks and french fries -- in 8 minutes). His entourage will be tailgating in STYLE with a tent, space heaters, grills and the works. He agreed to have them save a spot for the UEPa-Haul in the Holiday Inn parking lot next to his crew.

Also talked to Bob Shoudt last week. The Humble One will pay a visit to the UEPa party at some point during the night. All things considered, it's shaping up to be a Wing Bowl to remember.

PIZZA EATING CONTEST

We finally settled on a date for our next office eating contest. January 25 (this Friday) at 5:30 pm in the conference room. The discipline will be pizza with one topping (eater's choice). First to finish one large pie wins.

The cool thing about this contest is that we have three or so women who have agreed to participate. At least they did when we first started talking about it two months ago ("Oh, I totally love pizza!"). What the winner receives has yet to be determined. I'm throwing $20 of my own money into the pot to make it interesting. I'm going to win anyhow, so who cares.

After some thought -- and based on experience -- this contest is going to come down to one thing: crust. That's sort of what all pizza contests come down to, isn't it? To handle that obstacle, I will be applying a liberal dunking strategy. Actually, scratch that. I think I'll eat the crusts first, while my jaw and appetite are still strong. Or maybe I'll roll each slice up into a pizza burrito. Who knows.

WING BOWL TIX: SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PIECE

I've been a shitty blogger lately. Sorry about that. This no-action off-season has been brutal. You can even see the effects over on Eat Feats. It's just not the same. The good news is, the IFOCE ended their 128 day streak without a new open contest announcement yesterday by unveiling a jalepeno eating contest on February 23. Nothing like a little four month hiatus to get the stomach and blogs rumbling again.

Speaking of rumbling (bad segue)...WING BOWL! Who's in? I have 13 tickets and need to figure out if anyone needs to buy more. So far, here's who I know is in from our crew. If you want to join us, let me know with a comment:

1. Me
2. Beau
3. Ian (friend, not Hickman)
4. Evan
5. Josh (friend)
6. Jeremy (friend)
7. Jeremy's friend #1
8. Jeremy's friend #2
9. Carey
10. Jill

That's 10 tickets. I have three left. Am I missing anyone? I know Wild Bill will be partying with us, but he's part of Paul Sakelarides' entourage. If he doesn't get a spot at the table, Pete Miernicki might need a ticket, right Pete? Wing Tut? Hickman? Let me know. If I run out, you'll have to get a ticket on eBay, but there are more than enough on there to go around.

18 DAYS UNTIL WING BOWL

Got the tickets the other day in the mail. This year, we're turning the U-Haul will pull double duty as a party machine and a money making machine. Beau bought an official Nathan's hot dog cooker for like $30 and our plan is to sell dogs for $2 each or three for $5 (using a converter to power it through the U-Haul's cigarette lighter). With hundreds of drunk people around, we'll make a killing, right? And I know we technically need some sort of vendor's permit to sell food, but I'm pretty sure the cops have bigger things on their minds than some dude selling hot dogs out of the back of a rented box truck.

THE CHAMP

This is one of my favorite photos. I took it at the 2006 Nathan's hot dog eating contest after Kobayashi had won. The crowd of 20,000+ was dispursing and I was waiting to grab a word and a photo with Badlands Booker when a surge of people swept toward me from the staging area. Koby was heading back to the Bus of Champions. I stayed ahead of the crowd and grabbed this photo and this great shot from the other side of the bus, through the window (though it may look as though I were INSIDE the bus).

THE WORM

A friend forwarded me this nugget a while back. It's a long, but well written story (simultaneously humorous and horrifying) about one man's battle with a tapeworm. I always thought having a tapeworm would be cool because supposedly, with a worm, you can eat all you want and never get fat. But after reading this story, I changed my mind about that dream. Here's a particularly hair-raising excerpt from the part of the story which describes the death of the worm:

"There was a shifting inside my guts. Then there was a more sudden, thrashing movement. And that's when I realized my tapeworm was going through its death throes. It squirmed and twisted, spasming – and why didn't the doctor tell me about this part, the bastard? My guts cramped and churned. This went on for five, ten minutes, until, just as suddenly, it subsided. It was over. My tapeworm was at peace."

Check out the entire story here (if you dare). Click on the linked text at the end of each page to move to the next page. The "best" part comes later, in a bathroom stall, when our subject finally passes his parasitic friend. I'm not sure what the moral of this story is, other than I never ever ever ever want a tapeworm.

I'M ONLY IN IT FOR THE FOOD

I have a dodgeball game tonight. Yeah, I'm a dodgeball league. Our team is a bunch of us from work and some of our friends and we pretty much suck worse than any team in the history of dodgeball but it's a fun Thursday night tradition and it helps release some of the tension that's built up throughout the week.

Last season we had no wins and 9 losses. This season we're 1-1 (in our first game, we won by default because the other team didn't show up). Here are some pics of last year's squad. Yes, the scoreboard says 35-0. That was the final score of our last game.

The best part about being in a dodgeball league are the post-game beers and wings at Gilligans. Every Thursday after our 7 pm or 8 pm games. Pitchers, wings and sometimes a burger followed by more pitchers. We've tried doing the Gilligans thing BEFORE our 9 pm games, but that didn't work out too well.

Tonight's opponent calls themselves the Moose Knuckles. For those not familiar with the term, feel free to click on the name. They're the most arrogant douche bags in the entire league, but we love playing them. They've got a guy on their team who is either half drunk and/or 'roid raging. We call him O'Doyle. Just like in Billy Madison. We like to taunt him. Let's just hope we never run into him at Gilligans after the game.

IN 2008, I RESOLVE TO...

Become a master deep fryer chef (I got a deep fryer for Christmas).

Organize, promote, and emcee an eating contest for a local restaurant (for a fee, of course).

Finally attempt a 20 patty Burger King cheeseburger.

Continue to learn more about beer.

Brew my own beer.

Go to Chicago and eat a deep dish pizza from Giordano's. Or order one by mail.

Go camping more often and become a better camping cook.

Continue to donate to charitable causes that fight hunger.

Finally build a UEPa website.

Eat more burgers.

Test my one hour capacity for wings.

Test my 24-hour capacity for anything.

Buy a dehydrator and make my own beef jerky.

Do all of this (and a lot more) and still manage to stick my new gym schedule.