NOTHIN' A LITTLE OFF-SEASON R&R CAN'T FIX

I've never had a very reliable stomach, but lately mine's been making funny noises. Apparently whavever's been ailing it has spread south, because I've also been experiencing all sorts of bloating and aches and pains in my intestinal area. A few bouts of heartburn (including right now) after a lifetime of being heartburn-free doesn't help either.

So a few weeks ago I visited my doctor. After some poking and prodding and fondling, she was able to rule out a hernia, appendicitis, mad cow disease, dislexia and all sorts of other ailments. Of course, I didn't tell her about my competitive eating hobby. I really don't do it often enough or well enough for it to be an issue...I think. For the heartburn she prescribed Prilosec, which all but killed my appetite for about two weeks. My appetite hasn't fully recovered and my capacity, which was never that great, is even less great.

To rule out any unusual abdominal "masses," I had to get an ultrasound today, which revealed no masses whatsoever. Part of me was hoping they'd discover some sort of conjoined twin growing inside of me. Then maybe, after 12 hours of surgery with the best conjoined twin doctors in the world, my long lost brother would living outside of me (but still attached, of course). Just a little misshapen head and one twisted, gimp arm hanging out there next to my belly button. I'd get all my shirts tailored with an extra head and arm hole. My twin (I'd name him Max) would grunt and spit and shout obscenities at people. He might also be able to help clean up my scraps in eating contests.

But, of course, that dream was dashed today. As for what's causing my gastrointestinal troubles? We're still not sure, but I'll keep you posted.