I bought it on eBay (now what the hell am I going to do with it?)

eBay has everything. At least that’s what they say. So I decided to test the waters by doing a search for all things burger related (by the way, happy burger month!). Even though 90 percent of the 2,598 items were Happy Meal toys (or whatever the equivalent children’s meal is at Burger King), there were a few items on the list that weren’t cheap pieces of crap. Here are the highlights:

FAKE BURGERS – This is for those days when you just want to sit and stare at a burger and fries but don’t really want to go through the hassle of cooking and eating it. I’ve never had one of those days, but if you have you can buy this burger basket which looks just like what you might get at your favorite drive-in burger joint. You can also buy a burger on a plate with chips, a pickle, and very realistic looking Coke (at left). Mmmm…cold, waxen burgers.

PLUSH BURGER CD CASE – This little gem is described as a “fun way to keep your CDs and DVDs safe.” It’s also “suitable for home, car, office and holiday use.” Since the seller is from the UK, I’m assuming the latter is referring to use while on vacation. As far as being suitable for use at the office, I beg to differ.

BURGER BEER – It’s burgeresque in name only, but I like beer and I like burgers so I’ve included it here. Speaking of beer and burgers, how cool are these things at thatburger.com?

ODE TO A BURGER PUZZLE – This is by far the most robust burger on eBay and at 500 pieces, it’s a pretty decent sized puzzle too. The description says that although it’s a 500 piece puzzle, it comes with 502. A little extra pickle maybe? Who knows.

“MONSTER” BURGER DECAL – This is probably the only item on the list that I WILL OWN. It’s a 17 by 24 inch “photo quality burger decal” designed to give a snack truck or concession stand a “professional look.” So what kind of look is it designed to give if I put it on my refrigerator? Don’t answer that.

15-FOOT BURGER KING DARTH VADER DISPLAY – This poor guy is selling off his Star Wars collection and…oh, the humanity…"most" of his comics because he’s moving into a new house and doesn’t have room to store them. (I think that means he moved out of his parent’s house and into a tiny apartment above a tattoo parlor.) This item is actually a 15-foot inflatable Vader head and was used as a rooftop display to promote one of the new Star Wars movies. The seller claims to have purchased it from a BK manager who wanted to raise some extra cash to throw a cookout party for his workers. Gee, thanks boss. I’m busting my ass on the grill 30 hours a week, and you give us a work-related barbeque? Oh by they way, Lord Vader comes with a pump and the original box. May the force be with you.

“RARE” BURGER KING MASK – Who doesn’t love The King? Okay, maybe 90 percent of women and anyone over 40 doesn’t. They tend to think he’s “bizarre,” “creepy,” or “sort of like a serial killer.” Said one commenter on this blog entry, “(The King) scares the bejesus out of me anytime (he) comes on. (I) literally have to close my eyes to keep from shitting myself. Thank god no halloween costumes were available because if I saw one walking up to my house I'd probably beat him with a shovel.”

BURGER NECK TIE – This fashion abomination is for that crazy boss who decides to “let it all hang out” on a Friday so he wears this thing to score some points with the interns. Except instead of being cool, he’s just a jack ass with a stupid tie.

VINTAGE BURGER SIGNS – There’s a few of these reproductions of old metal 1950s style signs available on eBay. This one is kind of neat. If I had a nice porch and bitchin’ stainless steel grill I might buy this and hang it above it.

BURGER COIN PURSE – You probably have to be under 12 years of age to pull this off. Ladies, can you imagine being out on a date with a guy and he whips this thing out? He’d probably be the same guy who wears the cheeseburger neck tie and owns a 15-foot inflatable Darth Vader head.